Thursday, February 3, 2011

2010 in Review: Part Two

...The Hardest Part of 2010...

So I don't even know where to begin with this but I am going to try my best. Also in advance I apologize for this being such a depressing post and for how long of a post it will be. I think it is important for me to get it all out there. I have been dealing with this for a while now and I think writing this will help me to continue to heal.
Joe and I have always known that we wanted to have a family together.  From the time I was little I knew I wanted to be a Mom one day. Being the oldest child I think it is very much a part of me to want to nuture and take care of those around me. When we first started dating I was amazed that Joe was so passionate about wanting we be a Dad one day. We were only in High School at the time and for most of the guys I knew kids were the last things on their minds. I mean its not like he wanted them right there and then. Its more that he just knew that it was a long term goal that he had for himself which I found to be a really special thing. Being the oldest of four I have grown up around babies and kids. For this reason I don't think I have ever been in any kind of denial about what a large amound of work, responsiblity, money, and committment having kids is. For the reason I knew that I would not rush into having children. I would lay the best foundation possible so that when I was ready to have kids I would be bringing them into the best situation possible.
Its funny because from the moment you are married people begin asking the question, "When are you two going to have a baby?" I mean even though I am making fun of this, I am guilty of asking this exact question to other married couples as well. For some reason we just love the idea of things happening one after the other I think. For Joe and I, we knew that yes it was a dream of ours but also that we wanted to wait at least a couple of years before making that dream a reality. We wanted to spend some time just being two hoping this would allow us time to get settled together, buy a house, and really make sure our marriage had a strong foundation that was ready for kids.
Now I honestly don't think anyone is ever really ready for kids. I think it is something that will change your life, the way you think, and the way you live in ways that you really can't imagine or anticpate. It requires putting your kids first at all times and making it a top priorirty to raise them into people that love and believe in God, people with strong morals/values and with a good solid character. Thats at least our way of looking at parenting. I want to be the best parent possible. I'm not saying I won't make mistakes because I'm sure I will make plenty but I know that together Joe and I will put everything we have into making our family the most important thing in our world. 
The last couple of years we knew we were getting closer to being as ready as we would ever be to start growing our family. And this past Spring 2010 we decided that we were ready and that we would not necessarily try but more just let things happen. We knew and still know that there will be times when we will miss being two but we also know that when it does happen we are excited to take on the new challenge and adventure that parenting would bring. Wondering each month if you are pregnant is probably one of the most agnozing things I have ever experienced. Every little thing your body does becomes a sign that you either are or aren't expecting. Its funny because you go from trying to prevent pregnancy at all costs when you aren't yet ready for it to wanting nothing more then to be pregnant. It is just one of those weird opposites in life I guess.
In July while we were in New Orleans I realized I might be pregnant. On July 22 once we were home from NOLA I took a test and found out that I was expecting. I was soooo excited! Joe was at work when I did the test so I couldn't wait for him to get home so I could share the news with him. One of my friends had given me a bunch of pregnancy and baby books that she had from when she had her son and one of them was for the guy specifically to read. I told Joe I was indeed expecting  by bringing him the book and telling him that it was time that he start reading it. He already knew there was a chance I was expecting but when I told him he was also super happy and excited and I think a little shocked by it all. From my simple calculations I was due at the end of March or the beginning of April. I was even really happy at how perfect that worked out since I am a teacher and that would mean I would have my maternity leave off with the baby plus the entire summer before I would have to leave them with family to go back to work.
(Just to answer the question as it is probably popping into your mind although I would love to stay at home with my kids, living in Southern California is just too expensive with just one income (unless you make a crazy amount of money) and so most likely our kids will be staying with my mom who has a really flexible work schedule, my husband who also has a really flexible work schedule, and possibly some other family that have flexible work schedules when I have to work during the school year. At least breaks, holidays, and summer I will get to be home with them.)
We made the deicision to tell our closer friends and family the news so as we saw them other the weeks after finding out we shared the exciting news with them too. We even used some more creative ways to tell our parents and immediate families. It was so much fun coming up with exciting ways to break the news. Now I know a lot of people tell you to wait until you are out of the first trimester to share the news but we figured that even if something happened these people are our support system and we would want them to know anyways.
Over the weeks we were getting more and more use to the idea that come the spring we were going to be Mommy and Daddy to someone. And I have to say as the news settled in we became increasingly excited and use to this idea.
In September I had my first Doctors appointment. When they did the ultrsound I was immediately worried something was wrong. The doctor said I was measuring only a little over 6 weeks pregnant. I was suppose to be about 9-10 weeks already. I had tested positive on my pregnancy test longer than 6 weeks ago so I knew that this was a possibly bad sign. I tried really hard to stay positive as did Joe and the Doctor. She sent me to have some more blood work to see if my hcg levels were going up like they are suppose to in the first trimester. And after the first test it looked like everything was ok because the levels were going up. However after some more test over about a week and a half they called me to tell me the levels were going down and that they wanted me to come in for another ultrasound. This was probably the hardest part. Not knowing if everything was ok or not was horrible. I was sooo excited and now I was just devastated. And of course the researcher that I am, I started to read everything I could find about things on the internet and I have to say most things just made me more confident that something was definitely not right. I have to say that I cried a lot during this time. I was heartbroken at the thought of this pregnancy not resulting in a beautiful baby. Joe was so good about trying his best to comfort me and make me feel better. I know he was worried and scared but he really tried to stay strong for me.
When I went in they did the ultrasound and I was measuring the exact same thing I had the two weeks prior at the first appointment. The Doctor told me I had what was known as a missed abortion or missed miscarriage. The baby had stopped developing and died and my body for whatever reason had not let it go yet. The fact that my numbers were going down was a sign that I would eventually miscarry naturally if I wanted to wait for that. She told me that she was very sorry and that she didn't know why this had happened yet because there were several reasons as to what could of gone wrong. She advised me to have what is known as a d&c where they go in and clean everything out. She said that even if I miscarried naturally I may still need this procedure because sometimes you don't miscarry everything. Plus she said this would help to bring closure sooner and help me to avoid the physical pain and other icky stuff that would be part of miscarrying naturally. She also said that if I opted to have the d&c they would be able to take a sample of everything to test to see what went wrong. She said this would be good to have so we would be able to know if this was just a freak sort of thing or if there was actually something wrong that would need to be addressed when we tried to have a baby in the future. During this time I think I was just in shock. I mean I had prepared myself, even expected that the news was not going to be good but being the positive person I am I think somewhere deep down I was just hoping that everything was going to be fine. I didn't even cry right away. I kind of just sat there in shock and disbelief listening to her talk and give us our options.
The minute she left the room and it was just Joe and I sitting there and I finally broke down and so did Joe. For the past 8 weeks we had been preparing ourselves to become parents and now we were being told that we were not yet going to be parents after all. It was absolutely devastating. We comforted each other and kind of pulled ourselves back together.
The Doctor returned to schedule the procedure. It was be at the hospital a couple of days later. It was outpatient but I would be put to sleep which I was at least happy about since I knew this was going to be painful in many other ways. 
I will spare you the details of the actual d&c. It was definitely horrible. I mean the nurses, doctors, and hospital staff were wonderful as were my friends and family and Joe but the overall idea of it was miserable. And it was hard having to tell people the new much more depressing news. Even though we didn't tell a lot of people word had still managed to spread and that made things hard. The testing that was done showed that nothing is wrong with Joe or I and that this was just a freak thing due to a chromosomal abnormality. The doctors assured me that it was a good sign that I am able to get pregnant and especially that it happened so quickly the first time and that the chances of something like this happening again are very rare. And I guess knowing that puts me slightly at ease. 
One of the most amazing things is that this has definitely brought Joe and I even closer together and made our relationship stronger. It has also reminded me of just how amazing our friends and family around us are. I am also amazed at how many women have shared with me their own stories of lost pregnancies upon hearing about mine. Because of the nature of the topic I don't think this is something we talk about in society a whole lot but it is actually very regular. 20-25% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. I think it is just one of those tragic things in life. And as much as Joe (and I'm sure other men) are sad and heartbroken when these things happen, it is still nice to have women to lean on, talk to, and get advice from because these are the people that have really experienced physically, mentally, and emotionally similar things as me. I mean lets me honest as much as they want to be there for us, men cannot understand what it feels like to have something like this happening in and to your body. Despite this factor, I am so blessed to have such an amazing person to call my best friend and husband through life.
It has been about 4 months since this experience. And Joe and I are back to letting things take their course. I am anxious and impatient for things to happen (as I am with most but I am trying my best to put my faith and trust in God. I know that He has a reason and a purpose for everything He does and that He will let/make things happen when they are suppose to happen. It is sometimes hard to remember who is really in control and the whole idea of "letting His will and not mine be done" but I know that is the truth and that God is an active God that is always there watching over us always and that he is very much involved and part of every moment of every part of our lives. I still have days were I am sad and heartbroken especially when I think of the fact that I would be really pregnant right now and getting all ready for the baby to be here. However, I also know that when it all does happen again I will appreciate it even more than I would of the first time around. God does not give us things that we cannot handle. He has a purpose and a reason (even if those are not made known or clear to us) for everything and in the end I know that everything is going to be just the way it is suppose to be.

Anyways I think that is about it for now. Thank you for letting me get that all out. 

Love and lots of faith to all of you!!!!!!

1 comment:

I BLEED PINK said...

Oh wow, what a hard thing to go through. You never expect something like this, you just think I want a baby, and its all going to work out. I commend you for sharing this story, and I truly believe things happen for a reason and know good things can only come your family's way. I will say a prayer for you guys!